By HAL McCOY
UNSOLICITED OBSERVATIONS from The Man Cave, hiding from Nadine because she wants to move furniture before new wood flooring is laid down.
—The latest hip-slapping edict out of the MLB office: If/when baseball returns, there will be no fighting, under no circumstances.
Offenders will be fined heavily and suspended.
Does that mean nobody will sign outfielder Yasiel ‘The Pugilist’ Puig?
Hello. Weren’t players already fined and suspended for fighting? Just ask Puig.
And does that also mean it will be open season for pitchers like Pittsburgh’s Chris Archer to throw at a batter’s head and the batter can’t retaliate. Does that mean that Derek Dietrich, who has taken more pitches into his solar plexis than a carnival lead bottle, has to grin and bear it?
Let’s see now. If/when baseball returns there will be no fights, no spitting, no high fives, no hand shakes and no scratching in the crotch area.
And don’t get me started on the use of the designated hitter in the National League. All it does is take strategy out of the hands of the manager.
If MLB doesn’t want pitchers to hit (and Michael Lorenzen heartedly disagrees), don’t let them hit. Just have the eight position players hit and skip the ninth spot in the order where the pitcher usually hits. That eliminates a pitcher hitting and doesn’t necessitate a DH.
Why not? Baseball is screwing up everything else.
—QUOTE: From former pitcher Rick Wise, who once hit two home runs in one game against the Cincinnati Reds: “The designated hitter rule is like letting someone else shoot Wilt Chamberlain’s free throws.” (Wilt the Stilt shot free throws like a blindfolded hunter shooting at a running rabbit.)
—Why does MLB want to renege on its March agreement that players would be paid on a pro-rated basis if/when baseball returns?
A study was made to estimate how much money each team would lose if it played half-a-season without fans.
It is estimated that the Cincinnati Reds would lose $130 million. The Los Angeles Dodgers would lose $232 million and the leader in the clubhouse, of course, would be the New York Yankees with losses of $312 million.
That is why MLB wants the players to share revenue at 50/50. Without fans, the revenue would be television and advertising.
Well, look at it this way. Teams won’t have to give away bobbleheads, posters and magnetic schedules.
—QUOTE: From ‘Peanuts’ cartoonist Charles Schulz: “Beethoven can’t be great because he doesn’t have his picture on a bubblegum card.” (Didn’t they give away Beethoven bobbleheads at the Theatre an der Wien in Vienna?)
—One of my favorite lines involving former Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott, who had a fondness for a specific Russian liquid: “When Mrs. Schott is at a Reds game, it is always the bottom of the fifth.”
—If you watched NBA games on TV before the pandemic, what did you think about some of the nicknames on the front of the jerseys.
The Charlotte Hornets had ‘Buzz City’ on their jerseys. Cleveland wore ‘The Land.’ The Dallas Mavericks had ‘Dal’ on theirs. The Denver Nuggets had no name, just crossed picks (for gold digging).
Detroit had, wait for it, ‘Motor City.’ Golden State had ‘The Bay’ in tribute to San Francisco Bay, And Milwaukee had no name, just a logo of a buck deer (Bucks).
The New Orleans Pelicans wear ‘NOLA’ (New Orleans, Louisiana), the Oklahoma City Thunder wore ‘OKC,’ the Orlando Magic had some weird logo that looks like a shooting star with a basketball as its nose.
The Philadelphia 76ers wear ‘Phila,’ the Phoenix Suns have ‘Los Suns’ on the front, The Portland Trailblazers have ‘ripcity’ on theirs (why?), the Washington Wizards have ‘The District’ on their shirts,
If Cincinnati had an NBA franchise they probably would wear ‘The ‘Nati’ on their jerseys and if Columbus had a franchise it would be ‘The Bus.’
—It’s official. NASCAR is back. While Sunday’s race at Darlington was a bit boring, it was heart-rending to see Ryan Newman back in a race car.
He finished 15th, but wasn’t it sensational to see Newman behind the wheel after his upside down slide down the front stretch at February’s Daytona 500? When he finally quit doing barrel rolls, his car looked as if it had been bombed by mobsters in Youngstown.
Newman said he has no recollection of his Daytona demolition drive and that’s a good thing. If he did he probably wouldn’t drive a Volkswagen in a Walmart parking lot.
—QUOTE: From former NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Two of my favorite things are my steering wheel and my Remington rifle.” (Fortunately, they never let him take his rifle into his race car or there would be a new meaning to picking off drivers.)
—A pair of autographed Air Jordan 1s, worn by His Airness in 1985, sold at auction last week for $585,000.
I have a pair of old sneakers I wore during the 1990 World Series. Wonder how much cash they’d fetch if I autographed them? And I’ll even spray them with foot deodorant.
QUOTE: From Michael Jordan: “I own the guy guarding me.” (And that guy would love to own a pair of your autographed shoes.)
—Scandal has now touched cheerleaders at the University of Kentucky, which has won 24 national championships.
The head coach, Jomo Thompson and three assistants were fired for not stopping hazing and for inappropriate behavior by the cheerleaders.
One incident cited was that during an outing at Lake Cumberland some cheerleaders threw other cheerleaders off a dock into the water. Some were topless and some were bottomless.
Yes, alcohol was allgedly involved. Do they give extra points at the national competitions for going topless and bottomless?
QUOTE: From an anonymous cheerleader: “Think anybody can be a cheerleader? Really? Can you flip in the air, tumble backwards the length of a basketball floor, balance on one leg high in the air and fly through the air during a basket toss?” (And can you swim when tossed into Lake Cumberland?)