By HAL McCOY
UNSOLICITED OBSERVATIONS from The Man Cave while awaiting the preliminaries to end so that the Los Angeles Dodgers and Houston Astros can play an enticing World Series. Yeah, yeah. Television wants the Dodgers and Yankees, but Houston’s pitching staff is five guys and thanks for coming.
—If the Cincinnati Bengals’ offensive line is a dam on the Great Miami River there will be another 1913 Dayton flood. Quarterback Andy Dalton never will make a guest appearance on the TV Show ‘Last Man Standing.’
—QUOTE: From Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt: “A sack is way better than any night club.” (Too bad Watt doesn’t get to manhandle the Bengals this season).
—The Oakland Raiders took a chance on Antonio Brown and Vontaze Burfict. How did that work out? Fat chance. Burfict’s next job probably will be as a body guard for a rapper. Brown? He can’t keep a job, unless there is something out there for a mouthy guy with an inflated ego.
—QUOTE: Suspended linebacker Vontaze Burfict before he began this season with the Oakland Raiders: “We’ve got a lot of characters on this team, in a good way.” (Character, in a good way, doesn’t belong in the same universe with Burfict and Brown.)
—Cincinnati Reds hitting coach Turner Ward was asked to pack his gear and vacate the premises. I guess after the Reds traded Yasiel Puig, his best student, Ward wasn’t need any longer. Talk about a fall guy. Unfortunately, he couldn’t hit for all those guys who kept leaving runners in scoring position all season.
Maybe the Reds can order some timely hitting from Montgomery Ward.
—QUOTE: From quotemaster and Hall of Fame catcher Yogi Berra: “If you don’t know where you are going you might wind up someplace else.” (Yeah, like fourth place in the National League Central.)
—Did the real Cleveland Browns stand up Sunday in Baltimore? Baker Mayfield and Nick Chubb took apart M&T Bank Stadium brick-by-brick. For the Ravens, M&T stood for miserable and terrible.
The Browns face a stern test on Monday Night Football when they travel to San Francisco to meet the 3-and-0 49ers, who had a bye last week.
The Niners have beaten Cincinnati, Tampa Bay and Pittsburgh, teams with a combined 3-and-9 record. The Browns are road dawgs, 2-0 on the road and 0-2 at home.
Did you see Chubb’s 88-yard fourth quarter touchdown? If you turned your head, you missed it. He covered the 88 yards as if on a motor scooter. He was clocked at 21.95 miles per hour, enough to get him a speeding ticket in a school zone. It was the fastest an NFL player ran this season on a touchdown excursion.
And get this. His quarterback, Baker Mayfield, not known for speed, was clocked at 18.92 mph while escorting him to the end zone to celebrate.
—QUOTE: From pitcher/author Jim Bouton: “Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?” (OK, Jim, but how often do you see a baseball player called for delay of game? They should be.)
—The best team in Cleveland? The Cleveland Indians? No. The Cleveland Browns? No. The best team is the Cleveland Clinic.
—Some so-called sharpies out there are saying that Ohio State could beat the Cincinnati Bengals. That’s like saying the Dayton Dragons could beat the Cincinnati Reds. OK, bad example.
One thing for sure, if they made Andy Dalton play for the Buckeyes and made Justin Fields play for the Bengal, Ohio State wouldn’t have a chance.
—There have been more than 450,000 thoroughbred race horses registered with the Jockey Club. No two horses may have the same name, which leads to some hilarious names.
Some of the best: Hoof Hearted (say it quickly and hold your nose), Arrrrr, Bofa Deez Nuts, Doremifasollatido (think music), Fiftyshadesofhay (probably a gray mare), Flat Drunk (which anybody who bet on him probably was), Flat Feet Fleet (say that one fast), Harass (If this horse doesn’t run, don’t forget to scratch harass).
I’ll Have Another (Did this horse appear in Animal House?), Luv Guv (named after scandalous New York Governor Eliot Spitzer?), Mywifenoseevrything (no comment here), Onoitsmymotherinlaw (again, no comment here), Panty Raid (another Animal House horse?).
—QUOTE: From an anonymous bettor at a race track: “I hope I break even today. I need the money.” (Been there, done that.)