OBSERVATIONS: What They Say And What They Mean

By Hal McCoy

OBSERVATIONS from The Man Cave with another effort of trying to make words behave. And this one is just for fun.

—WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN: Despite what you see out your back window in Ohio, baseball is among us, spring training is here and hope springs eternal in every big league camp.

And here is what you’ll hear and read from nearly every manager before a game is played:

***”He has a right arm like Greg Maddus.” (Like Maddux, he also has a left arm, two legs, a heart and two kidneys, but he pitches like Lester Maddox and he is lefthanded.)

***”If we stay healthy we can really do something.” (But they spend enough time in the whirlpool to using enough water to irrigate the Sahara Desert and our medical bills will match our payroll.)

***”He runs like the wind.” (Yep, against a 30 miles an hour wind in his face and he runs as if he is out of wind.)

***”He can chase down everything.” (He can chase down women, chase down free drinks and chase cars, but the first fly ball he chases down will be an accident.)

***”He has all the tools to be successful.” (And next year he’ll use all those tools as a master plumber.)

***”We are the club to beat this season.” (And that’s what every other club in the league will do to us.)

***”Our bench and bullpen are loaded this year.” (That’s what happens when they spend every night in the hotel bar and they’ll lead the league in hangovers.”

***”Our clean-up hitter can be the best in the league.” (We’ve given him a new broom and a new mop and he’ll have the clubhouse and dugout so clean we can eat off the floors.)

***”He can steal off anybody.” (As long as the woman doesn’t have a firm grip on her purse and the man leaves his wallet protruding from his back pocket.)

***”Our defense is as solid as a rock.” (That’s because they all move like boulders and are so stationary they’ll be covered with moss by the All-Star break.)

—BOOKWORM BRIGADE: I love baseball books and there are more than 300 on the shleves in my home office, many signed by the authors and their subjects.

So here are four just out or ready to come out that are newbies for my shelf

***CAPE DREAM: A fantastic read by my great friend Mark Epstein. It’s about a season with the Brewster Whitecaps of the Cape Cod League, a league where many major leaguers got their start, including Sean Casey.

***HURDLE-ISMS: An uplifting read by former major league player and manager Clint Hurdle. Every page is full of optimism and how to make your life better. Hurdle spoke recently at Wright State University’s First Pitch dinner and his presentation was spell-binding.

***LEVELING THE PLAYING FIELD: A must-read book by prolific writer Al Lautenslager about the vastly ignored women who were pioneers in baseball, a long overdue tribute to the females who made significant contributions to baseball.

***THE 50 GREATEST PLAYERS IN CINCINNATI REDS HISTORY: The title is self-explanatory and written by Robert W. Cohen. I won’t spoil it by revealing who is No. 1 other than to say it is a catcher and it isn’t Brad Gulden, Dann Bilardello, Vic Correll, Bo Diaz, Devin Mesoraco, Joe Nolan, Alex Trevino, Alan Knicely, Jeff Reed, Glenn Sutko or Sal Butera.

—K AS IN KOUFAX: From my unpaid correspondent Jeff Singleton: Everybody knows that Sandy Koufax was a pitching breed above the breed. He is the only pitcher in MLB history to lead the league in earned run average five straight years from 1962 to 1966.

Incredibly, those were the last five years of his career: 2.54, 1.88, 1.74, 2.04 and 1.73 in his last season.

As my sports writing idol Jim Murray once wrote about Nolan Ryan, but ditto for Sandy Koufax: “He is more than an athletic marvel. He’s a medical marvel. His glove went to Cooperstown and his arm should have gone to the Smithsonian.”

—DO NUMBERS LIE?: Some statistics are just darn meaningless. . .or are they?

Nate Santos is a solid player for the University of Dayton basketball team, a sniper from afar with a jumper as smooth as sour cream. He leads the 18-8 Flyers with a 13.8 average.

But. . .when Santos takes less than 10 shots a game the Flyers are 11-1. When he takes more than 10 shots they are 7-7. Figure that one out. You can’t.

—THREE IN ONE: In 1920, my beloved Cleveland Indians won one of their two Word Series and something happened in that World Series that has happened only once.

Second baseman Bill Wambsganss, The Human Consonant, performed the only unassisted tripe play in World Series historu. How did it happen?

It was Game 5 against Brooklyn and the Dodgers had runners on second and first with no outs. On a hit-and-run, Brooklyn’s Clarence Mitchell ripped a line drive near second base. Wambsganss made a leaping catch and came down on the bag to double up Pete Kiduff. Wambsganss then looked up to see the runner from first, Otto Miller, standing nearby.

His eyes did not deceive him. Miller was standing there like somebody in the kitchen with Dinah. Wambsganss tagged Millere out. . .unassisted triple play.

And three guys at once trudged to the dugout with faces as red as strawberry wine.

—THE NAME GAME: They don’t have baseball nicknames as they once did. The St. Louis Cardinals had a team called The Gashouse Gang, a great nickname in of itself.

And on that team they had Dizzy Dean, Dazzy Vance, Daffy Dean, Pepper Martin, Ripper Collins, Spud Davis, Rabbit Maranville and Frenchy Bordagaray.

And the team was managed by The Fordham Flash, Frankie Frisch.

—TRIVIA TIME: One MLB team has never won a division title but has won two World Series trophies. Who is it?

It’s the Florida Marlins, now called the Miami Marlines. They won the World Series in 1997 and in 2003. Both times they were wild card teams.

In 1997 they finished second in the National League East with a 92-70 record, nine games behind division-winning Atlanta, a 101-game winner. And they beat my beloved Cleveland Indians in seven games in the Series.

In 2003, they also finished second behind Atlanta, this time with a 91-71 record, 10 games behind the Braves, who again won 101 games. That Marlins team was managed by Jack McKeon.

What was it Tom Petty sang. . .Even the losers get lucky sometimes?

—NAME GAME: If the capital of the Philippines had an MLB team, would it be the Manila Folders? If Bonn, Germany had an MLB franchise would it be the Bonn Bonbons? If the capital of Russia had an MLB franchise would it be the Moscow Mules?

If the capital of Peru had an MLB franchise would it be the Lima Beans? If the capital of Sweden had an MLB franchise, would it be the Stockholm Syndromes?

If the capital of Austria had an MLB franchse, would it be the Vienna Sausages? If the capital of Singapore had an MLB franchise would it be the Singapore Slings? If the capital of Egypt had an MLB franchise would it be the Cairo Syrups?

If the capital of capital of South Korea had an MLB franchise would be it the Seoul Mates? If the capital of Ecuador had an MLB franchise would it be the Quito Mosquitos? If the capital of Nicaragua had an MLB franchise would it be the Managua Aguas? If the capital of Denmark had an MLB franchise would it be the Copenhagen Snuffs?

Stop it, stop it, stop it? OK.

—FROM CHU TO CHEW: Paid a visit (and ‘paid’ is the right word) to my dentist this week and this is no joke. . .his name is Dr. Chu, a perfect name for a dentist, right?

—PLAYLIST NUMBER 147: As record label executive Tiffanie DeBartolo put it, “Tell me what you listen to, and I’ll tell you who you are.”

We Belong To Each Other (Garth Brooks), Short Shorts (The Royal Teens), Indiana Wants Me (R. Dean Taylor), You Had Me From Hello (Kenny Chesney), Two Tickets To Paradise (Eddie Money), Caribbean Queen (Billy Ocean), It’s Alright (Donell Jones), You’re Beautful (James Blunt).

You Can Do Magic (America), How Long (Ace), Fortunate Son (Credence Clearwater Revival), Everlasting Love (Carl Carlton), Lido Shuffle (Boz Skaggs), Love Somebody (Morgan Wallen), Listen To The Music (Credence Clearwater Revival), All I Need Is Love (Beatles).