By Hal McCoy
UNSOLICITED OBSERVATIONS from The Man Cave on a rare off day for the Reds in the middle of a series, leaving me with nothing to do but duck chores.
—YOU HAD TO BE THERE: Clubhouse capers are rampant, so much so that one might expect to see children’s books and Legos in most MLB clubhouses.
One of the best I witnessed involved one upsmanship after Reds pitcher Scott Scudder took a pair of Norm Charlton’s new cowboy boots, filled ‘em with water and froze ‘em.
The Nasty Boys would have none of that. Charlton, Rob Dibble and Randy Myers slipped into the parking lot, jacked up Scudder’s Range Rover, removed all four wheel and place them on the vehicle’s roof.
Nasty Boys 4 (tires), Scudder 2 (boots).
Other pranks: Pitcher Bert Blyleven arrived early Sunday morning and saw a couple of dozen donuts for the players. He took a bite out of each one.
Whit Merrifield performed a similar deed when he played for Philadephia and was friends with pitcher Zach Wheeler.
Merrifield knew Wheeler’s favorite restaurant, so he had a bucket of chicken from the place delivered to him, took a bite out of every piece and left the bucket and bitten chicken at Wheeler’s locker.
Then there was Doug Rader who, when he played for Houston, took delight in sitting naked on teammate’s birthday cakes.
I wonder — were there lit candles on top?
—FALSIFYING HISTORY: One of the biggest lies ever told was the letter Cincinnati Reds general manager Dick Wagner sent to fans when he fired Sparky Anderson after the 1978 seasons and two straight second place finishes.
The letter, in part: “‘The decision we made was not a hasty one and it was not an easy one. Our ball club won in 1975 and 1976. . .and by that I mean ‘won it all.’ The past two years have been good ones by the standards of most clubs.
“But we are determined to set a higher standard. It is our decision that the move we make is in the overall best interest of making the Cincinnati Reds a better team.
“We feel John McNamara offers strong ability and outstanding major league experience. He is the man to take us in a new direction.”
There is more malarkey in that missive than Heinz has ketchup bottles. Anderson was not a yes man and Wagner was a power glutton.
What really happened is that Wagner ordered Anderson to fire a couple of his coaches and Sparky said, “If you fire them, fire me, too.”
So he did. And the new direction was down, down, down — 101 losses in 1982. In mid-1983, Wagner was dismissed, five years too late.
—THE TONY AWARD: Of all the crazy baseball minutiae, or trivia if you prefer, I find this one incredible.
Four Hall of Fame pitchers: John Smoltz, Greg Maddux and Pedro Martinez. How many times do you think each of them struck out Tony Gwynn?
***Smoltz struck out 3,084 batters. He struck out Gwynn once.
***Maddux struck out 3,371 batters. He struck out Gwynn zero times. None.
***Glavine struck out 2,607 batteers. He struck out Gwynn twice.
***Martinez struck out 3,154 batters. He struck out Gwynn zero times. None.
So in 330 games, four Hall of Famers struck out 13,216 batters and combined to strike out Gwynn three times.
If there is a more incredible stat than that, tell me what it is. Hint. There can’t be one.
—BOONE-DOGGLE: Yankees manager Aaron Boone asked somebody this question about his major league debut for the Reds on Opening Day in 1997,
“Do you know why Jeff Branson took my place at third base in the middle of the game? I got thrown out, ejected in my major league debut. It was a sign of things to come?”
As manager, Boone has been ejected seven times this season and 51 times during his managerial tenure.
—SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES: Former Montreal Expos outfielder Warren Cromartie played in Japan for the legendary Tokyo Yomiuri Giants and said every player on the team, without exception, was a chain smoker.
“They would light up as soon as they reached the clubhouse and go through an entire pack by game’s end. We’d board the bullet train and everyone on the team, except me, would light up — some 40 players, coaches and other assorted personnel.
“ I had to sit there and suffer,” he said. “Outside, rice paddies were whooshing by at 95 miles an hour and inside I was choking on a haze of smoke.”
What? No cigars.
—FEWER RED FACES: The Cincinnati Reds’ bullpen takes a severe bull-whipping on social media. But here is one I didn’t believe until I checked the list and checked it twice.
The Reds have the fewest blown saves of any team in the majors with 13, even fewer than the Cleveland Guardias and their classic closer Emmanuel Clase. The Cleveland bullpen has 15 blown saves, second fewest.
It’s an Ohio thing.
—AN ‘A’ FOR THE A’s: Don’t know what this proves, if anything, other than statistics mostly are a bunch of numbers.
The Oakland Athletics are 60-78, buried near the bottom of the American League West standings and begging Las Vegas to hurry construction on that stadium.
But when the A’s own a lead after eight innings they are 52-1. Mostly that means they had a big lead after eight, but also they possess a git ‘er done closer in All-Star Mason Miller.
—A REAL LIVE ESPN: The University of Dayton football team has a linebacker named Gideon ESPN Lampron. That’s right, Gideon ESPN Lampron. His real middle name is ESPN.
What’s in a name? Well, Saturday in UD’s opening win over Saint Francis, 18-10, he did this:
Eleven tackles (six solo), forced two fumbles and recovered one, made three tackles for losses, made a tackle for a safety, made a tackle and forced a fumble that led to UD’s first touchdown and his safety tackle made it 9-0.
And he might have kept the Gatorade barrel filled and drove the team bus back to campus blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back.
The 5-foot-11, 215-pound red shirt sophomore was named the FCS National Defensive Player of the Week.
They should change his middle name to Amazon because there isn’t anything he can’t deliver.
—PLAYLIST NUMBER 88: Somebody asked why my list only contains songs from the distant past. It’s because I’m 84 and living in the past and current music always sends me station-chasing.
The Great Pretender (The Platters), When I See You Smile (Bad English), Boys Of Fall (Kenny Chesney), If You Leave Me Now (Chicago), Goodbye Time (Conway Twitty), I Wonder What She’s Doing Tonight (Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart).
Don’t Bring Me Down (ELO), We’re Not Gonna Take It (Twisted Sister), Walk Right Back (Everly Brothers), Enter Sandman (Metallica), Two Tickets To Paradise (Eddie Money), Missing You (John Waite), Thunder Struck (AC/DC).
Ha – lotta great minutiae.